I was about to try to sleep but I panicked while attempting to sleep. So I am writing this instead of panicking as a way to distract myself until morning.
it is just so difficult to sleep ever since the panic attack in January. I can’t sleep at all anymore I feel like I panic more at night than I do in the day. I dread sleeping, I hate that notice my heart and every sensation I feel through my body. My mind is like am I going to die pretty soon? And I don’t know why I have so much health anxiety and don’t know why think the worst problems will hit me like cancer or something else. Even Though I have no real reason to believe that is the case. I hate that I sleep only during the day it ruins my social life. I have a hard time coping just sitting in my room at night. I want to be normal, I want to live life but mind prefers suffering and panicking over improving my life. I want to go out there and accomplishing things that matter to me and getting frustrated or annoyed about life problems.
I feel so hopeless. It is 4:35AM and I can’t sleeping until the sun rises for a bit, also I am going to end up missing a class because I forgot to take my sleeping pills. It just feels like torture, but at the same time I feel numb to my mental torture because that panic attack was an accumulation of my worries, concerns, pain, and stress. I didn’t know I had so much stress or whatever it was inside of me until it happened. I just think that I am never fine at this point because my body is not telling me anymore as a way to cope I imagine. I also feel a lot shame I feel for being a failure. And now I am just crying. I don’t know why I struggle so much to pass classes and have been going to university for 10 years now I feel so miserable. I am trying my best but somehow i find it difficult.
I legitimately feel like running and screaming because I can’t take it mentally at times but I don’t because I try to calm myself down. I feel like this a lot every night.
I don’t know why I just can’t be normal. I can’t even get a job because of I believe myself to be unreliable to keep a job and the anxiety of having to travel and fearing that someone is going to hit me or I hit a person. I will just end up being late. So I just stopped trying to get a job. My anxiety to pick up the phone makes to get possibly get a job makes it harder but somehow miraculously get an interview didn’t work out.
It feels like my social circles have shrunk too. The only real person left is my brother because he is the only one left that actually talks to me about random things and interesting things I care about. Everyone else that talks to me doesn’t know how to have a conversation with me or just hates me.
I am out of passion or hope for my future I am not excited about my future. I feel aimless all I got is my distractions that provide temporary relief but no solution. I feel no sense of urgency to change I don’t know why though. I just put off things that will help me like getting insurance and getting mental health services or even get a job. After 2 years of losing insurance I finally got the insurance kinda, I just need to send the letter back that I got a week and half ago. I just like I have real good chance of just ending up homeless because I lack the urgency and prefer suffering.
I do think about wishing I was never born or just wish something could quickly end me. But unfortunately I am here and will not end it because I don’t want anyone to blame themselves for not putting effort in helping me.
I can’t wait for this night to be over and be able to sleep in the morning. I am not going to lie I am surprised I have not committed suicide yet and it is just way too much to handle. I hate my life so much.
I think this is everything I am going through in life at this time. I am waiting to get insurance by the way so I can get mental health services.
sorry if something is poorly written.
Feeling hopeless about life
I feel helpless and hopeless
Feeling hopeless 
Feeling hopeless and anxious
Feeling hopeless and worthless
