tomorrow is my 40th birthday and I have no one to celebrate with. It feels like a huge milestone in my life and just highlights how poorly I’ve been doing and how far I’ve fallen.
I’m unemployed, I barely care for myself, have like no social connections, barely leave my apartment, have gained a whole bunch of weight and feel like I’ve fought for so long and I’m tired and I’ve stopped caring.
Tomorrow I have a second appointment with a research group to see if I qualify for their VNS study.
Im also getting blood work to see if there’s any physical reason I’ve gained so much weight. 2 years ago I gained 30-35 pounds after starting a new medications, was able to lose 10 lbs after stopping it a few months after starting, and then was unable to lose anymore weight even though I was on a plant based diet and regularly working out. After not seeing any results for about 6 months I was so frustrated that I stopped because i wasn’t seeing any improvement. Then I gained the weight back when switched onto yet another medications.
sorry… just feeling really sad, disappointed, hopeless, and lonely to the point where it feels debilitating.
I guess I’m really disappointed in myself because I feel like I know what I can/should do but I feel physically paralyzed.
I also feel really ashamed because I’m in the mental health field and can’t help myself.
I’ve been realizing social support is basically the building block of recovery but I don’t know how to get that back in my life (when I suffered a med induced psychotic episode 2 years ago it started with paranoid delusions- specifically that people were hacking into all of my social media, computer, and phone and I ended up changing my phone number 4 times and locking myself out of my social media, email, laptop, and Apple account, which has all of the contact info everyone I’ve ever met and tried to recover the info when I was stabilized but bc my phone and email were not accessible to me anymore (the ones I used to set up all the accounts), I was unable to get them back. I also felt so embarrassed of what happened that I withdrew further into myself bc I didn’t want anyone to see what I’d become (physically, mentally and emotionally)
Okay yeah, that was a lot and it’s been something I’ve been struggling with the past two years especially so I’m grateful to have the opportunity to put this out there, even if no one replies bc maybe it’ll be my first step to trying to let go and work toward recovering- which almost, as messed up as it may sound, is slightly terrifying bc for so long it’s been my constant companion and that will mean having to basically discover who I am, if that makes any sense.
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So_It_Goes
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I would like to wish you a happy 40th a day early 🎂🎂
It's good that you wrote things out. It's good to unload some of those feelings. Guilt, shame, disappointment, sadness loneliness, etc.... we've all been there.
Knowing what we should do and actually doing it can be very hard, some of us understand that as well.
When you go for your appointment tomorrow can you do something nice for yourself? Even if it's sitting on a park bench drinking a cup of coffee.
My dear SoItGoes,You are not alone. I've been through almost everything you've been through and I completely get you.
You have a lot of self awareness so give yourself a lot of credit for that.
You're here sharing and putting your story out there for anyone who will listen. So give yourself a lot of credit for that too.
I isolated myself to the point where my family still treat me like an outsider and two of my three children are not speaking to me but I'm not giving up on them ever.
You're going to find a lot of validation and support here. So keep posting and sharing because most of us know what you're going through and understand you.
Keep trying to connect with people, even if they let you down. It's not your fault. You have an illness that you didn't bring upon yourself. Whoever doesn't understand that is either ignorant or not ready to be there for you.
Again, that's not your fault.
People get scared to deal with things they don't understand and feel awkward.
But if you find someone that is willing to educate themselves and show you support, that's someone you want to hang on to.
I get you and I'm here for you. You can message me anytime.
I would like to wish you a very Happy Birthday and as Dolphin said, try to be kind to yourself and buy yourself a cake or something you would like to eat .To reach 40 is a milestone and hopefully tommorow is the first day you can begin to address issues which have contributed to your issues.
To live a life full if regrets is a Post I wrote about yesterday and many on here will listen and offer you support.
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xx
FAUXARTIST Happy Birthday! 🎊🎈🎂🎁🎉 
🎊Happy Birthday Bookishbunny!🎊
Happy birthday Anxiety_59 
Happy Birthday To My Sweetie, Bonnie Sue!
My mother does not want me happy and tries to ruin my relationships 
