My Life is a Mess.

[penrd]

Where do I start?

I have abandonment issues from my father being in and out of my life when I was younger.

I've suffered with depression since middle school, and use to self harm and even tried to kill my self a couple times. My mother was verbally abusive, I was bullied and picked on in school, and my father made "jokes" that seriously effected my self esteem.

Once I got to high school I got better, but only to a point, it would still come up every now and then but I dealt with it a lot better and had friends to talk to.

In 2015 I got in a car accident and that was when I started to noice my anxiety...

Then in 2016 I had a weed gummy with two of my guy friends and hallucinated a rape.... to this day I don't know if it was a hallucination or not...

Fast forward to present time, I was dating my best friend from high school. He pulled me out of the toxic house hold I was living in with my mother, and saved me. He moved me in with him, which was 1,009 miles from home, from all my friends and family... well during our entire relationship he asked me, begged me, and pleaded with me to get help with my depression and anxiety... I put it off, I procrastinated, I made up excuses after excuses, then promised once I moved I'd get my life together... well I don't have medical insurance and I don't have money for a therapist, so I tried self help books... but it didn't help... needles to say he broke up with me on 6/17/17. We had been dating since 4/4/16 also he's USAF.

It had become too much for him, he couldn't handle me, and it got to the point that he was coming home miserable and walking around eggshells...

see my problem is...

I yell a lot (use to it from my home life), I don't control my attitude, I assume and overthink, I'm negative, I jump to conclusions, I go ballistic and psycho and start petty stupid argument over stupid silly things... I have abandonment issues, I have an anger problem, I have anxiety and depression and I need to get help.

I am 1,009 miles away from home and my friends and family.

I am currently living in the same apartment with my ex-boyfriend, in the same room and in the same bed... see we were best friends first, so we're still best friends, he just wasn't happy anymore and the relationship became toxic and unhealthy...

So my goal is to get help for myself. To get better, for myself, to prove to him I can do this, I can change for the better, I can do bad on my own. And that I'm still the independent carefree strong women he fell in love with, and hopefully I can get him back... and if not, if he says no... then at least I gave it my all, at least I tried.

I also need to learn not to lose myself in a relationship.

So I could use all the advice and help a girl could get, please !

[urfaveasian]

this sounds exactly like my situation sister. what's stopping you from getting help, or made your procrastinate? if you don't want to speak to anyone, then try doing things on your own if that makes you more comfortable. try gradual exercise even if it's just walking slow around the block. I personally got into yoga and meditation. find something you'd be interested in and take a class on it or learn through youtube. every time you feel a wave of sad thoughts coming just immediately distract yourself. watch stand up comedy, binge watch a good show, write whatever you want in a journal, read ways to brighten your day on Google, ANYTHING just train your mind to avoid it and replace it with positive thinking. once you improve your mood your bf will see it and naturally become more attracted to you. people are attracted to happy people. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT if you want him back just keep smiling and trying even if you're not there at 100% happy yet. but DONT depend on him to make you happy. he won't. only you can. and you'll push him away if you put that pressure on him. adopt a pet maybe? a therapy dog or a cute cat? ask him to go on a date with you somewhere you know he would have a good time. or if that's rushing it then just ask him to "hangout" and put on your best face and outfit and attitude. also distance makes the heart grow fonder so get out more and he'll start to wonder where you're spending so much time and may start to miss you and want to rekindle your friendship or relationship. best of luck XX