Self loathing

[Tormented555]

Does anyone else hate themselves like I do? I try not to, but then when I do such stupid things with such frightening regularity that I could set my clock by it, I hate myself and just want to insult myself to relieve my frustration. For example - I buy melatonin so I can sleep. I use it a couple times, then I lose it so I can't use it any more, so I haven't used it for the past few nights. I'm so sick being that way..it's the only thing I can count on in life - that I'm going to do stupid things like that. So now I have to tear the damn place apart or maybe buy a new one and tape a piece of string to it and tie that to this basket that a bunch of that kind of crap is in, and I have to do things like that because I'm so damn STUPID. I can't just take them as needed and leave them in the damn basket like normal people would, because I am STUPID. See? It's satisfying to call myself STUPID because I'm so damn frustrated and sick of this it's satisfying. It can't be healthy, I don't think. But that's me and my stupid life

[Liber]

It's normal to feel frustrated and even angry, but by seeing yourself in this way, you can start to build an identity that is not good for you, and over time this can cause you various problems. The more frustration and anger we feel, the greater the likelihood of making mistakes. It becomes a vicious circle. You can put a sensor on the object and track it with your phone, or use it only in a certain location. You can put a camera to track your movements so you can go back and see where you left it. Focus on the strategy, the environment, the technologies that can help you, and less on judging yourself.

[STEM_Dad]

Liber made some good recommendations.

I recommend addressing how you're feeling about yourself. It's understandable to be frustrated, but ADHD traits don't just go away, we have to learn how to live with them and compensate for them.

If you have a place that you've designated as the "home" for something, then just work on one thing... whenever you use it or find it out of place, put it away.

As far as making a new habit is concerned, one strategy that I have found to work well is to pair the new habit with an existing one. This is called "habit-stacking".

It can help to actually tell yourself "when I do [this thing I already do], then I will do [this new thing that I am doing]". This "when-then" statement helps plant the idea in your head. Basically, it helps get your subconscious mind to help your conscious mind to help with "cue-response" behavior.

I started taking melatonin as a sleep aid a few years ago. I added it to my regular routine for getting ready for bed. Specifically, I use brushing my teeth as the cue to take my melatonin (and other bedtime supplements) next. Then, I immediately put my supplement bottles away. Then, I go straight to bed.

* The usual advice is to take melatonin at least 1/2 hour before going to bed, but I can't do that...it doesn't work with my routine. My bedtime routine leads right to going to bed, because if I delay then I might be up for another 2 hours.

~~~~~

I'll have more to add later.

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

... [continued]

Self-loathing definitely isn't healthy for you.

While I wouldn't say that I've ever been "self-loathing", I know that I've been self-criticizing a lot in my adult life.

I can see that there could be two types of self-loathing. One comes about as a "death of a thousand cuts", like you're experiencing. The other would be for someone who has done some horrendous thing that they ought to be jailed over (like commiting acts of harm towards others, you know... criminal acts). So, if someone has done terrible, loathsome things to others, then I might understand if they feel some self-loathing, it might help them be repentant and willing to change, and thus might be redeemable. (If they don't, then I would think them irredeemable.)

• But I don't think that self-loathing does any good in the first case. You shouldn't hate yourself for struggling at life. You need compassion.

~~~~~

How would you treat a friend who keeps having the sorts of struggles that you're having? You'd probably have a lot more grace, understanding, tolerance and acceptance for them than you have for yourself.

One benefit that I got immediately from my ADHD diagnosis was Self-Acceptance. I finally came to accept that even though I'm "smart" and good at "figuring things out", my constant struggles at work and in my home life, and the reason why I struggled so much on college that I dropped out multiple times, is because of things that are out of my control.

I had to see myself as a person who has struggles due to a developmental disorder.

I'm not judgemental towards or criticizing of people who have handicaps, physical or mental limitations, learning disabilities, autism, OCD, or what-have-you! So, why should I allow myself to treat myself badly, when I wouldn't do so to anyone else?

(Dark triad traits are a different matter...they do put me on guard. But a person just having dark triad traits doesn't make them inherently evil...just perhaps a higher likelihood of commiting evil acts than the average person. --- Yet, a person isn't defined solely by personality traits. They are defined by so much more, like values & beliefs, interests, abilities, the relationships they build & keep, and what they do with all those things.)

Again, if I can see that even people who have personality disorders have inherent worth, why should I be hard on myself?

~~~~~

That said...I just made a bonehead mistake at work! I ordered the wrong part for a specialized printer. Fortunately, it didn't cause any damage to the printer, but it was a thermal print head that I put into a ribbon printer.

(Fortunately, I can use it on another printer, which does do thermal printing instead of ribbon printing. I'm just embarrassed that I didn't take that one aspect into account. Otherwise, it was the right fit...just not the right function. --- In the past, I would stew over a mistake like this for weeks or months. I'm glad I've grown. I'm still upset, and now I have to find the right part to order. But I now treat mistakes like this as a chance to learn and improve myself. It doesn't mean I won't make the same mistake again, but it does mean that I'm not as likely to make the same mistake again.)

[FifthWheel]

I'm trying to respond to Self-Loathing. This is my first ever post because I tend to get lost in threads and give up trying to respond. First of all, I get what you are feeling. I am actually aching and close to tears because your description hits so close to home. I know I am not stupid which makes the forgetfulness all the more frustrating. I can have my pills sitting right in front of me and forget to take them. I recently started seeing a psychologist who is willing to work with me because I got so tired of the tears and the need to run away or lash out. I suspect that you are not stupid either. Please, please, please. Accept yourself. My daughter (both my children are ADHD) has been teaching me to change my language to use more positive words. I know it sounds like a small thing; but it has been very helpful to me.

[Tormented555 in reply to FifthWheel]

Thank you - best of luck to you

[CHADDMOM]

Someone told me a long time ago, feelings aren’t necessarily facts. An ADHD brain might over express emotional input. In fact that’s why ADHD can cause depression. It helps to have someone to talk to who knows about ADHD. Being hard on ourselves could also mean we are doing so to create dopamine. Strange as that sounds, even arguing with ourselves creates adrenaline. That is the precursor to other neurotransmitters being produce. You’re obviously doing the right thing by reaching out, and everyone deserves to have their mental health taken care of as well as their physical health. Take good care.

[Jordana1995]

I too struggle with self-loathing. I have been a God-believer my whole life & have recently been listening to sermons about seeing yourself as God sees you, not how the world sees us or how we see ourselves. I am still learning about what that means and just recently finding out that I may be ADHD (haven't been officially diagnosed yet), I feel like that I can at least put to rest that it's not me that's the problem, it's my brain & no matter how hard I have tried, I can't fix it on my own.

I also had a dad that did not help. He was a sociopath & I didn't figure that out until about 6 yrs ago. He just recently passed away & I had to work at forgiveness along with working through regrets. When working through regrets you start blaming yourself for things that you really have no control over and having to realize that there were 2 people in that relationship & they have a responsibility too. I now realize that those things were not my fault. I suspect that I have had ADHD all my life so a sociopath raising a child with ADHD makes for a pretty dysfunctional father/daughter relationship.

I don't know what your childhood may have been like, but if it's anything like mine I suspect that the self-loathing & self-destructive thoughts has been going on for a long time. I also don't know what your faith-life is like, but you may what to try spiritual reading or at least listen or read self-lifting material (music helps me a lot). The other people that have responded to your post have also had some great ideas. Whenever I'm having a rough day, I can always get on here & realize that I am not alone & can get some positive ideas to help.

[Tormented555 in reply to Jordana1995]

Thank you. I am glad for you that thinking about God helps you..In desperation I pray to God but it never does any good. To be honest I kind of hate God for making me this way. I have no use for God or anything else at this point but I appreciate the suggestion and the attempt to help. Hey, if God listens to you maybe you can put a good word in for me sometime? Not that i even deserve one but I'm open for all the help I can get, I just don't think anything is going to work because I'm completely hopeless. I'm working an accepting it

[BikerChick66]

I’ve been through it. Hell I think I still hate myself. I hate that I always forget stuff. I hate that I lose everything. I hate that I have had so many accidents that my car insurance is $750 a month. My relationships never last, my friendships never last, I'm learning on my as much as I can about ADHD so I can come to understand myself., finally!!! I hopefully find that I can love and understand myself.. But I am angry. I’m angry it all could’ve been avoided. Angry with all the struggles that I’ve had because I was never diagnosed. Back then, taking medication meant that you were mentally unstable. Did drugs drink a lot. I do get it. I hate myself too. But we can change that by learning all about this disease and finally being able to understand and love ourselves at least that’s what I hope will happen. sending hugs.