Revelation!

[AnyaC]

I was asked yesterday what it was that I was the most afraid of, and I realized - retribution. Anyone I'm afraid I've upset... I realized that all of my traumas have been caused by retaliation for something I did or didn't do.. well, at least 95% of them. It explains a lot! Now if I can find a way to handle it, to get a little control over that fear, I'll be all set.

[Hidden]

Amazing awareness! That's a huge realization, and I bet being aware of that will help, so you aren't triggered as easily. When I have figured out what's underneath my fear, it helps. It takes a while to figure out how to handle it, but it sure does give me more control over the situation.

Congratulations!

[AnyaC in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Dan! I'm still not at all sure how this is going to help, but at least I understand it more now. Now if I can get the courage to tell my husband something without fear of retribution... there are lots of things I don't say, even to him. Praying for courage...

[Hidden in reply to AnyaC]

I hear you, Anya. The awareness doesn't lead to the solution overnight. It just gives me more to work with. The question I was asked was "have you ever felt safe anywhere?" When I started to reflect on that, I realized there were very few places I felt safe. It helped me know where my safety zones were so I could go to them to recharge.

What a courageous thing to say - that you want to tell your husband something. You're already having your courage manifest.

I have realized that my intuitive mind sometimes knows the solution if I lean back and don't force things. That just happened with something creative I have been working on. Maybe as you sit with the awareness of the retribution issue, the next step will reveal itself, like a "baby step" effort of telling your husband something - that sort of thing.

[AnyaC in reply to Hidden]

I soooo wish there was a quick, easy fix for this! I did talk to my husband tonight. It didn't go as I had hoped, but it was a start. Baby steps....

That's something I deal with constantly... my safe place. There isn't one. Nada. My bed, and my husband's arms if I can reach them, but that's about it. It's hard, isn't it, when there isn't any safe place? The boogyman has been in my home most of my life, so even our home isn't necessarily a safe place. It's safer since we took the windows out and got a dog, but still... you never know when that boogyman is going to get in again. I envy you your safe places. Maybe someday.... It's an improvement since I'm not still hiding in bed everyday. Been there, did that for a long time. There was a time when I took a chair and put it beside my bed with my computer on it so I never had to get out of bed. There are improvements! One step at a time, one moment at a time... I've even improved enough to get dressed every day!

[Hidden in reply to AnyaC]

I hear you - somebody give me the magic solution!

Way to go, Anyaclaus! What a wonderful and courageous step to talk to your husband! We can't control the outcome, but just try.

I do hear you - no safe places. What I have gradually figured out is that while there may have been safe places, I didn't feel them because of my PTSD - the hypervigilance and the feeling someone (the boogeyman) was just around the corner.

I have learned to treasure my safe places, and guard them very highly. I didn't know why I was doing that for a long time - but when I'm in a place where I can "feel" safe - that's a big thing.

Good for you to continue to make the progressions forward - not hiding in bed, etc. It's funny - on this forum, things we're talking about, people get it. But others - not so much. I just received an invite for a free ticket to a big time football game this weekend. I had to pass, saying "I'm just not into a crowd thing right now." To be that honest, but not try to explain - a big step for me.

We're moving forward!

[AnyaC in reply to Hidden]

Yes we are! It's exciting to recognize the baby steps we are taking. Some of them take lots of faith - putting your big toe into the dark where you can't see - but some of them are as "simple" as getting out of bed. It feels so good...

I'm still trying to relax in our home. It should be a safe place, but with most of the traumas happening where I lived, it's hard to accept that this really is safe. Leaving the past in the past - lots easier said than done! We have done everything we can do to make this a safe place - the watchdog, no windows, firearms... and still the fear of that boogyman appearing is very real. Eventually, it will hit me that this is really safe. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, and I have no reason to fear in my home... it's just habit, I guess?

It is wonderful to have people on this forum who really do "get it". I'm used to no one getting it. No support system until recently, no one to really talk to about it. This is a wonderful place to come for safety, encouragement, and understanding. I'm so thankful my special cheerleader found this site. This is a Godsend!

[Hidden in reply to AnyaC]

Yes, it is very special to take steps to change things - and for me - to be able to acknowledge it and give myself credit. Awesome to us!

I too realized that my home - the place where I was supposed to be safe - was a source of stress because like you, when I was a child, that was where the abuse happened. I agree that it's really tough to leave that behind. It has been been a process, that's for sure.

I've been surprised by how much support and understanding I've gotten on this forum - I wasn't sure what it would turn out to be, but it has been way more than I expected. You said it well - safety, encouragement and understanding. Like Michele says "we're all in this together."

Glad for your cheerleader finding this, and that it is such a Godsend for you as well.

[AnyaC in reply to Hidden]

I have been very pleasantly surprised by the unity I already feel here in this forum. It's wonderful to be able to voice the fears and struggles without condemnation or misunderstanding. Thank you, Michele! You guys have created a place I never expected to find. <3

[Hidden in reply to AnyaC]

Awesome Anyaclaus that you have felt such unity! Yes, being able to just say what we're going through without someone saying "here's how to fix it" is great. Yup, Michele has created a wonderful forum!