Hi! I'm Taylor, I just joined this community. In addition, I recently moved to a new state in 2022! I used to live in California with my family, but living with them was really driving me bonkers. I have a lot of engrained behaviors from living with my parents, my father was a very angry man and my mother wasn't interested in stopping him or protecting us. I struggle with cPTSD, even if my parents aren't as bad as they used to be, I still live there in the present. I can't fix our issues because talking things out with my parents leads to my parents deflecting, gaslighting, and guilt tripping . (in that order) I guess I just have to move past it on my own. I have struggled with chronic pain since 2015, it's hard to hold onto a job for very long. Most jobs are 10 hours a day, beyond stressful, long commutes, and difficult customers that all add up to I don't have enough time for me to take care of myself. My self care starts slipping, my body starts to hurt, my mental health falls. I used to self medicate with alcohol, anything to make the pain stop for an hour, but I've been sober since 2019. I've wanted to apply for disability for a few years, but my father always made it seem like disability with shameful and in line with "having a pity party".
In 2021, my youngest sibling was driving me towards suicide, so my friends offered me a place to stay in their home a few states away. My friend, who I've known since I was 13, promised a home that was mentally healthier and more supportive than the one I lived in. I decided to leave because my parents don't hear or see me. My father hasn't spoken to me since I left and I have a very strained relationship with my mother. The friend who invited me to stay here is severely depressed and anxious. Since I moved in, she tends to play ESO over night and sleeps during the day. I don't really see her and we don't really spend a lot of time together. (her hours are usually 5pm-8am) She neglects her own life so much that the house is neglected, cat boxes are full, litter and hair everywhere, and amazon boxes stacked by the door. I talk to her husband more than her and it just makes me sad. (this friend also started recently complaining that WE don't put enough effort into hanging out with her, so I'm screaming honestly) Yeah when I lived in the hyena den that was my parents home, I was struggling actively, but I had a small support group. (my therapist since 2015, my other family, my older sister) I'm in a new state, my only friend has spent most of my time here sleeping, and I find myself alone (again). I'm at a point in my life where the hardest question is "what do you like to do" because I've lived my life for others for so long. I'm trying to accept myself, find out what I actually enjoy, and enjoy each day.
I'm craving someone to walk this path with, someone who wants to put effort into their life and move forward. I'm tired of being alone. I've been trying to lay down root here, I think I found a therapist I like, my dog and I enjoy the dog park, and I'm trying to be more social. I've been digging into support groups here and downloaded the meet up app, I'm praying that I can find a friend who lives here and is awake during the day. I even posted on NextDoor for friends T_T (if that ain't desperate)
How do you make friends in your real life? How do you go about making connections?
thank you for your time and for reading
Taylor
Written by
iguanaspine
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Welcome to the community. Thank you for filling us in on what's been happening in your life.
It sounds like the move did not serve you well.
If you are qualified for disability I wouldn't let your father's words stop you from applying. You are an adult now and have your own life. He doesn't need to know what you are doing.
The path to healing is your own walk but we are all here and support each other in our journeys.
You have a dog. The dog park is a fabulous place to make friends. I used to love it there
I applied for disability, medicaid, and food stamps in January! It's hard to let go of things sometimes, I spent the first few months here working and searched for a job that offered insurance, but the job killed me. My chest pains started up again in two months after being without pain to little pain for a few years.
We love the dog park!! and have enjoyed chatting with people who go there, but it's more of dog park acquaintances rather than friend-friends.
thank you so much for taking the time to reply, Dolphin <3
I had a nice walk out this morning to a nearby park and it was dog walking time and I said good morning to most of them and they said it back and those out and about who I know and recognise from the district!
A few things!! I decided to be sober because I didn't want my nephews to know me like that. <3 So they definitely helped in that aspect. It was also a great time to stop because we were trying to find out what my pain was. I couldn't figured it out if I was numb all the time. I feel better when I'm not drinking and thinking about drinking just makes me feel nauseous. So that helps cement the past few years, I guess :'D October will be my 5 year mark!
Hi nice to meet you and welcome to the site. I can't help wondering your friend's husband expects her to work full time and do all the housework too? Can't he clean the place up? Is he incapable?
Can you help also? It sounds like your friend is in a bad way and need yours and his help.
Unfortunately until you can get enough income to live on your own you will always be subject to someone else's own living arrangements.
I agree with Dolphin to apply for disability again and ignore your father.
It's nice to meet you too!! Husband works full time and is the only one bringing income to the household. I'm mainly worried about my friend, isolation breeds depression and she's not really present in her life. When I first moved in, her cat only ate half his meals and was skin and bone. That didn't really change until I said something.
We do pull most of the weight around here. I swept and swiftered every week, but I can't unpack their moving boxes for them. I've been adding a lot of the quality of life changes, helping the doors not squeak, putting a child lock on the trash can to stop the cats from breaking in, and I mainly handle the dishwasher on my own. Husband used to feed the cats, clean cat boxes, take out the trash, load the dishwasher, pay the bills, take the cats to the vet, and works full time. My friend only plays video games. That's where I'm at. She's severely depressed and not getting better. Yes, I feel lonely without her, but she's never going to feel better where she's at and I don't think I can leave someone to decay like that.
Do not worry! I've been laying down a good foundation here. I applied for disability, medicaid, food stamps, and public housing (section 8 when I get disability). Thankfully, living with my parents taught me to adapt to survive.
Thank you for taking the time to respond, hypercat!
I have had to sign on myself recently after that job at the care home didn't work out and the world hasn't ended and the sky didn't come crashing down!
Yes I agree TG. However we live in the UK where it is much easier to get benefits when we need them. The poster lives in the USA where I understand it is much harder and has different attitudes.
Hey Bunny! I have costochondritis and fibromyalgia that is unmasking as rheumatoid arthritis. I'm taking gabapentin and hydroxychloroquine right now, I don't have a rheumatologist here. (yet!) I did end up getting sent to a pain rehabilitation center, so I try to follow the plan they laid out for me (diet, exercise, mental health things, journaling, meditating, keep going even if it's a pain day, etc) I do cheat here and there, I still use my tiger balm patches and kinesiology tape when I need too. What do you do for your treatment?
If there's any suspicion of RA at all I would have thought your doctor would order blood tests and refer you to a specialist .
As a bit of friendly advice I recommend you get it checked. I would hope it isn't RA but if it was, proper treatment is essential, the sooner the better.
I'm on specialist meds , prescribed by my rheumatogist ,which keep it under control at the moment.
We are fine here and today we have been very busy and productive with applying for jobs and an early walk out which I enjoyed!
Baby is great and enjoyed her fish this afternoon for her weekly treat!
For lunch it was pasta and sauce along with leftover casserole veggies from the fridge which I enjoyed as over the weekend we have been spoilt having lunch out at places when we were out so didn't mind having lunch in today!
Not too bad thanks, now. I had a flare up of my Afib over the weekend and was really drained, but feeling a bit better today , just been taking it easy. Dylan's fine Hope you're keeping well.
Yes I am keeping well and eating lots of delicious veg like red and green cabbage and the frozen ones are excellent value as well.
Tomorrow its a work search review at the job centre at 10.50am and its swimming at 3pm.
I have calmed down now after that fiasco at the care home and I now feel sorry for those who bullied me for my own sanity as they are very very unhappy people who should be pitied but it's wrong to bully no matter what the circumstances are!
They ordered the residents around like cattle ordering them to eat and to get up rather than asking which I didn't think was very nice!
Welcome. I got CPTSD too. I understand the struggle. It's painful when our parents don't ever consider our needs. I'm glad you're focused on trying to help yourself. For me my parents neglected the heck out of me. Basically an afterthought after they had me as their 8th child. My youngest brother was 6 years older than me. I actually learned recently I didn't even fully speak any English really until I was 7 in 2nd grade. I'm glad you moved on from your parents. Thats terrible how they treat you.
I love dogs. Give that doggo all the love in the world because we as their people are their whole lives. Dogs are people in their own regards. Your friend on the other hand I can understand. She's definitely struggling with herself. Maybe you can ask her about it. How she's feeling. It also good move on if you have too. Some people refuse the help. I even push people away during the worst of my flashbacks. Despite how much I want company.
Recently I've became aware about my own problems a few months ago. No one ever asked how I was doing. My family's dysfunctionality quite literally made me a passenger to everyone's lives in that home. My parents moved into an RV to travel the country when I was 14 so I basically relived my childhood trauma through the first year of highschool. I had so many problems that I never asked my wife. She was struggling with a lot herself. She even told me she's not sure if she wants to have another kid because of my problems making it so hard for us.
So do be afraid to ask her. Worse thing she can do is get mad or something. Maybe she can go to counseling or therapy.
Much love ❤️. You're making good steps. Also the Internet is great too when it comes to figuring out how to talk with people an their issues. What not to say and what to say.
Also give that doggo much love❤️ animals are beautiful because I think were so much more like them than many of us realize. Gave me a knew respect in people.
Hey Matt!! Thank you so much for your heartwarming post. I’m really happy to hear you’re getting the love you need now 🥰
My friend and I do chat from time to time when we get the opportunities, she says that she’s anxious, more productive at night (🥴), and that’s when her friends are awake. We really connected because our parents are very similar but in reverse, her mom is exactly like my dad. I managed to strong arm her into therapy last year, it’s really helping her thankfully.
Honestly, I sought out the internet because I feel like I’m drowning bottling it up, but hurting her feelings isn’t going to fix anything so I need to put it away. I know it’s just anger, from my dad, but I don’t want to be like him.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply 🥰🥰 I really appreciate it!
I have a lot of anger myself. I've done things that I regret. Especially when I go into a vivid flashback. Something my councilor told me was that when you go into fight or flight like I do. Your brain doesn't need to think to survive so your body just acts. Thats honesty why I think so many violent shooting happens in America. When you're hurting, cry, and diving down into blame and hate. It becomes instinct. Its why I say we're more like animals than we all realize. Its up to us to find what makes us human. Compassion, connection, friends, dreams, and control of our behavior. For me anger became instinctual. My therapist said that anger for men is more acceptable than sadness. That's what happened to me. I'd only express anger to my friends and family. Because I was hurting and blaming so much. It got to the point where angry outbursts at the edge of violence and discovering who I was before losing it is what helped me. I did things I truly regret. I won't go into detail. But my fear of rejection and others lead me to blaming and hating. Not healthy lol. Hold that to yourself. Don't let that anger control you. Something I tell myself is that the only thing that can hurt me is myself. After realizing what I myself became. No one in this world is truly evil or out right bad. Sometimes people act that way or they refuse to change or they're too far gone. But I don't think any person is a lost cause because of myself. Sometimes we just need to talk to people. Get a little help. Get some understanding. Our mental health as humans is freaking weird. Especially when it comes to traumatic experience. The body refuses and yet my mind disagrees. My body doesn't care lol. I'm do this sort of thing where if my body is refusing to do something I want I go against the grain to fight the fear. Its so hard, but I'm doing it.
Hello iguanaspine and welcome. Gosh you seemed to have one nightmare with another by moving in with your friend, and frankly i couldn't handle living in an unkept household, surely her husband and you could smarten the place up a bit? I'm not being critical ,just being honest and for me, who has suffered depression and anxiety for many years, I find cleaning and housekeeping very therapeutic, maybe its not for everyone, but that's how i rid myself of deep-seated anxiety.
hey secrets!! Honestly, it is a struggle, I inherited my mom’s “if I can control my environment, I can control my life” anxiety. We do clean from time to time, but more often than not lately, I just clean my room and stay there. If there’s nobody around, why sit in the dirty living room alone 🤦♀️ I definitely find cleaning therapeutic, but it’s a little irritating to clean the same mess every week when I didn’t make the mess lol. I feel like I’ve been doing that with every roommate I’ve ever had, it’s a tad exhausting over the years.
hope you’re settling in well in your new state! So sorry to hear about what you went through with family. It takes time growing roots in a new place but good on you for wanting to take initiative. For me, the best ways to feel connected is city hosted events/sports group, (ie local library) volunteering, church if you’re religious, in person support groups. Even finding a nearby coffee shop you enjoy could give you a sense of routine and being known. Wishing you health and happiness.
Hey Waffle!! Thank you so much for the encouragement and the new ideas for laying down roots! I’ve been looking into in person support groups and my therapists are finding new groups in their circles as well. I really hope that I can find some new friends that way 🐹
Hello Taylor, life can be hard at times. You feel all alone and nobody to talk to. The pain in your body probably is just as bad as the pain inside your heart. You are not alone. I can share with you how I have overcome similar issues as yours. I have the best friend of anyone in the world and his name is Jesus. I wanted to kill myself a few years ago because all the pain in my body. My family helped At the beginning with my sickness but as time went on they kinda didn’t won’t to here about my suffering day in and day out which I can understand to a certain point. Anyway it was leaning on God and asking him to take away my burden. I told him I can’t handle this anymore . He is so amazing and listens to me and helps me everyday. I pray you find peace in your life and know you are loved. I’ll tell you if there is a church who has a singles group or men’s class or whatever . I know my dad started going years ago and he found more support from the church groups then anywhere else. They were always having get together and going on trips . He found some of his really close friends till this day and that’s been over 35 years ago. Anyway I pray your body heals as well. Try and take care of you because there is only one of you.
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