PTSD rage

[EndUser13]

In large part from the kind of prolonged abuse I dealt with, I dislike conflict. I tend to go out of my way to be a nice guy and I don't want to make waves or ever offend someone.

Recently I've had to deal with something (a couple of somethings) that's uncorked all the suppressed anger I've felt and I'm sick of being angry, I don't like who I am when this happens. When I do calm down from time to time, my panic disorder is there to pick up the slack and I just end up nervous. I know that my recent problems will be solved soon (perhaps tomorrow), but it doesn't change everything for me... I think I need a good outlet for when I get so angry I can't see straight.

Thanks for listening

[Hidden]

Hey, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you get into rages. I'm at the point in my journey where I do too. I "see red" and just want revenge. I get SO angry inside that I just want to yell at the person behind me. All this makes me highly uncomfortable because it's not who I am. It helps write it all out (for me, at least). It doesn't have to make sense; as long as I get it out. My husband recommended today that I sign up for a kickboxing classes. I might just do that. It feels embarrassing to me that he had to suggest that, though. I mean, this isn't who I am. But unfortunately it's where I'm at right now. I hope and pray that this is just me utterly wiped out (in mind, body, and spirit) and not the new me from now on. I hope and pray that this is just me finally beginning to give myself permission to focus on and be gentle with myself. But I don't know. I won't know until I get through this stage (whatever it is you want to call it stage; anger stage?). I have to force myself to stay calm these days, where it used to come naturally to me before all this abuse happened. I am sick and tired of it too. I asked my husband this evening when this would all end because I'm tired of it.

I hope it helps somewhat to hear my experience.

[EndUser13 in reply to Hidden]

Very well said, thank you for your feedback. I really like the idea of just writing out a bunch of angry stuff, I've done that before but I was so caught up I didn't think about it. Thank you for the reminder!

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi EndUser13,

Thank you for sharing...for me it helps to write things out to try to make sense out of things and sometimes even process emotions.

I understand what you mean around conflict, I grew up around conflict situations. I understand you don't like being angry, I don't like myself like that either. I read that on the other side of anger, there is depression. I am working on something that is similar to a grieving process that eventually will have to include some kind of acceptance, but I am not ready for this acceptance part yet.

I used to try and channel anger into something that I wanted to achieve but I know it isn't always possible. I think some kind of physical movement might help somewhat.

Finding a good outlet, like you suggested, is the best idea.

Panic is really tough, I am so sorry you are going through it as well.

[EndUser13 in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you! and good luck on your path

[Oliveart11]

Yes, I could have written this myself. I live alone because I have a tough time living with others. I have been in relationships with people who have been verbally and sexually abusive while intoxicated. I also have very angry parents. So, if I get triggered and feel the need to defend myself, I will get into an awful rage.

I don't rage at work, only at home. I will think about something and it will set me off at home and I will yell out loud at nobody. It's really upsetting that I have acquired this behavior. I also have worked with people who are very angry and throw things and yell at work, it really upsets me and I go into flight mode. I quit jobs and don't go around my parents because of their yelling.

Just please remember, we are not our thoughts. I'm trying really hard to change my thoughts. I practice being mindful (box breathing, grounding) and meditate to change my thoughts. I wish you peace.