Trying to get better, but failing

[JanaBog]

I don’t really know what to say...

I don’t think this should be triggering, but I’m not very familiar with this kind of stuff, it’s the first time I’m sharing something like this, so maybe better to assume that it is.

My mind is so foggy. There has been a few months since the incident, but I feel like it is so far away. I feel the symptoms of the trauma, I cannot concentrate, talking to people is hard, I get really anxious about small things... but most of the time I don’t know why. I mean, logically I do, but I don’t feel it.

I heard today that you cannot laugh and be stressed at the same time, but whenever I laugh it starts up my nervous coughing again, so that can’t be true. It’s scary to think that laughing hurts me.

I realised that any time I meet up with one of my friends (it’s usually just me and one other friend having a conversation, and less and less the incident is brought up), I feel exhausted and emotionally drained for days afterwards. I’ve started avoiding it, because I can’t handle it. Sometimes I get good days when I feel almost normal, but then I see a friend and it sets me back weeks. And I know it’s bad, and I know it will only make it harder to get back to the world, but I can’t help avoiding people.

And also I can’t do my job (I’m doing a research project for a phd). I keep making excuses about not finishing things, but the truth is that I feel like I can’t do it. I get really anxious even when I have to send a small email, let alone focus on some science stuff. And this only makes me feel worse about myself. I should be getting better. I should be going back to my life. Why do I keep disappointing myself and everyone else?

Sometimes I really wish I could just move on with my life, do something new and fun. But this covid situation is making that almost impossible... or is that just an excuse?!

Well, that’s all that’s on my mind for the moment. I’m not even sure if this is the right place to share something like this...

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi JanaBog,

Welcome to the community.

I don't think you are failing, it sounds like a normal response to a trauma.

What you described, means you are getting triggered as things are still raw.

I know the pandemic is most likely compounding things. I don't think this is an excuse, things are tougher to organize.

I know you don't want to talk about things but have you considered a trauma therapy?

From my experience, it is better to get help earlier.

I know it is very painful as it's recent and if you are not ready, it is okay...but having the right type of trauma therapy can make a huge difference.

Having someone compassionate helping you through this and re-process will make a difference.

[JanaBog in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you for your reply, it’s really nice to know that I can find support in this community.

I don’t have any information about trauma therapy in my country (I’m from Macedonia), so it doesn’t seem like a possibility to me. I am seeing a psychologist, though sometimes it’s helpful and sometimes not.

I’ve had a lot of compassion from friends and family, I even have a friend that went through something similar. And in the beginning I was talking a lot to everyone about this. But now I don’t think about the event itself at all, it’s just a blur of anxious and depressive thoughts.

I really just want to shut down and escape the world around me, I just worry that once I do that there will be no going back...

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to JanaBog]

I understand...

Have you tried any coping strategies like listening to relaxation video on you tube or grounding yourself in the present moment?

There are guided meditations or just music or other soothing sounds.

Can you try to imagine a place of safety and keep doing it several times a day?

There are various grounding exercises, some are linked to yoga or other forms of gentle exercise.

Walks can be helpful too. Depends on what you really like and what helps you focus on something else...

I will get back to you later...

[JanaBog]

Thank you for your support.

Everyone around me is aware of the situation and they are very supportive. But I feel pressure from inside myself that I have to move on with life.

I can’t take a break from the world, people worry about me, and yeah, it stresses me out, and I tell everyone that. But I can’t do it to my mum. This was also hard for her, I can’t imagine how scared she is for me. I can’t disconnect, it will make it worse for her...

[Midori]

I think you need some help. I know it's difficult with Covid around but does your College has counselors you could talk with, even if over the phone or on Zoom or Skype?

Covid is really bringing many folk who would normally be fine, into the realms of mental health, due to isolation and lack of human contact.

I can feel it myself; I would love to get out, but as a disabled person its not so easy. I've been 'shielding' now for 10 months, and, although a fairly accepting person, I am really ready to start getting about again, even though I know it is dangerous. Although my son (carer) is with me, he mainly keeps to the Man Cave, but his sense of humour helps get me through!

Cheers, Midori