Advice in meeting her needs...

[Gospel_8]

Hi. So I struggle so many times in my relationship staying and manning up to stay engaged in discussions with my girlfriend that involve feeling she does not trust me due to experiences from her past which has induced trauma and seemingly paranoid personality disorder in our present day life...I have grown exhausted of being in the midst of our war of emotions about the following issues: doubts about my loyalty in the relationship, the side effect of her trauma distorting her perception of other girls having ill or promiscuous intentions and some how that will project onto my where she feels skeptical about my moral intent...

My problem? Well I need help not being so prone to walk away, reacting insensitively, and react out of avoidance from her issues which in turn leads her feeling alone and unheard about her feelings. Mind you, I am also prone to be hyper sensitive and reactive about her issues which offsets triggers that make me upset and easily provoked to be irritable, etc. it’s just a vicious cycle we need a U-turn from..maybe these are answers I should seek for myself, but why do you think I struggle with being so hyper sensitive and reactive? It’s not helping when we both clash and collide; where we both behave and react hyper reactively. It gets us no where preventing us from improving our conflict resolution and constructive in our communication so we can build a more productive and “bucket filling” relationship so that we can fortify and strengthen the feelings and bond we have for each other.

I want to become better at having an understanding heart, empathy, patience and perseverance so that I remain with her through her issues..I care and love her. I just don’t think being so absorbed in her sphere of thinking and feeling so constricted because of it, has made it easy for me to be close to her and build our relationship together to become greater friends?

[Beingindependent Volunteer]

That would be a difficult situation. Yet it sounds like you love her and don’t want to leave.

Hope you can spend time introducing your present moment of who you are and she can realize the past is gone the future isn’t here yet and just be in the moment,

Hope for both of your healing

[NeuronerdDoaty]

So a good skill in a relationship is to repeat each other. She says ‘blah blah blah’. You say looking in her eyes, ‘ I hear you saying blah blah blah’.

The problem stems from her wanting someone to feel as hurt as she feels and you can’t do that. She has to get healthier. She wants empathy but if you didn’t go through it you can’t be the one to provide it. Those of us with issues have to smile at our partners while we hold each other’s hands to win the battle.

She’s looking to you to fix all her inside pain. You can’t. I suggest you stay healthy and talk about the boundaries of what you’re capable of. You’re there to love her, not fix her. Fixing is done by cohorts and therapists.